Sudden illness in the family: a checklist for the first days
The first days in the hospital: information and confidentiality, conversations with the doctors, the practical things at home, the children, your job – and looking after yourself.
In short
- The first days are about three things: getting information, keeping things at home running, and holding up yourself.
- Staff must keep patient information confidential. Ask the patient to say that staff may talk to you, and agree on one contact person in the family.
- Most countries give you some right to time off work in a family emergency. Tell your employer early.
- Write down what the doctors say. You remember very little when you are in shock.
A stroke, a cardiac arrest, an accident or a serious diagnosis. One phone call, and everyday life stops. Suddenly you are the family caregiver, for your partner, your child, your parent or your sister, and you have to make decisions while you are in shock yourself. This checklist is for the first days in the hospital. If an older parent needs help with everyday life afterwards, also read what to do when your aging parent suddenly needs help.
The first hours
- Find out where the patient is, and who you can call on the unit. Save the number in your phone right away.
- Say who you are, and who the closest family members are. Staff need to know who to contact.
- Pass on what matters: medication, allergies, long-term conditions, and who the patient's own doctor is. You can always give information to staff, even when they cannot give any back.
- Bring what is needed: a medication list, glasses, hearing aids, phone and charger, clothes and toiletries.
Information and confidentiality
Doctors and nurses must keep patient information confidential. The main rule, in the US and across Europe, is that the patient decides who may be told about their health. If the patient can speak, ask them to tell staff that they may inform you, and who else. Ask for it to be noted in the record.
If the patient cannot decide, for example because they are unconscious, staff will usually tell the closest family about the condition when they judge it is in the patient's interest. Who can agree to treatment on the patient's behalf differs by country and state. It may be a person the patient named in advance (a health care proxy or agent), or the next of kin. Ask the unit how it works there.
Tip: One spokesperson, one shared message
Agree that one person in the family is the contact for the unit. Then staff do not have to say the same thing five times, and you avoid different versions going around. The spokesperson sends a short message to the rest of the family after each conversation.
Conversations with the doctors
- Ask for a conversation if nobody has offered one. Ask when the doctor will be there, so you can be present.
- Bring someone, if you can, who can listen and take notes.
- Write your questions down beforehand: What has happened? What is the plan? What can we expect in the next few days? Who can we call?
- Say so if you do not understand. Ask to have it explained again. That is completely normal.
- Ask for the patient advocate or the hospital social worker if you have questions about rights, or if something goes wrong.
The practical things at home
| What | Think about |
|---|---|
| Children | Who picks them up, and where do they sleep? Tell the school or daycare, so they can look after the child. |
| Pets and the home | Who feeds and walks them, and who has a key? Is there food in the fridge, a stove left on, or plants that need watering? |
| Work | Tell the patient's workplace and your own. You decide how much you say. |
| Bills and mail | Are there payments that have to go through? Has the patient given anyone access to their mail or bank? |
| Appointments | Cancel or move the appointments the patient had in the coming weeks. |
When there are children
Children notice when something is wrong, even when the adults try to protect them. Tell them the truth in words that fit their age: what has happened, what is happening now, and who is looking after them. It is fine to say that you do not know everything yet. Ask staff whether the child can visit, and how to prepare for it. Many hospitals have a social worker or a child life specialist who can advise you.
Your own job
- Tell your employer right away that there is a family emergency, and ask what leave you can take.
- Know the floor: EU countries give time off for urgent family reasons and at least five days of carers' leave a year. In the US, eligible employees can take unpaid, job-protected leave under the Family and Medical Leave Act.
- If it drags on: read our guide to combining a full-time job with caregiving.
Look after yourself
You cannot be there for others if you do not eat or sleep. Accept help when someone offers it, and give them a concrete task, such as cooking or picking up the children. Many hospitals have chaplains, psychologists or social workers that family members can talk to as well. Ask on the unit.
When the patient is going home
After the first days comes the question of what happens when the patient leaves the hospital. Read our hospital discharge checklist in good time.
How LumaCare can help
LumaCare gives the family one place for messages, appointments and tasks when everything is upside down.
- Write down what the doctors said, so the rest of the family can read along.
- Share out the tasks, such as children, pets and shopping, on one shared list.
- Keep visits and conversations in one shared calendar.
This guide is general information, not legal or medical advice. Rules on confidentiality, consent and leave differ between countries and states. Always ask the unit if you are in doubt.