Siblings and a parent who needs care: how to share the tasks
When a parent needs help, the tasks often end up with one person. How to hold a family meeting, share the tasks, talk about money and avoid falling out.
In short
- When a parent needs help, the tasks often land on the one who lives closest. It is rarely ill will, but it wears people down.
- Hold a family meeting with everyone, including those who live far away, and share the tasks by what each person can do.
- Talk about money and decisions before there is a disagreement, and write the agreements down.
- Remember that it is your parent's life. Their wishes weigh the most.
“I'm always the one who makes the calls.” “Nobody ever asks me.” “But you live just around the corner.” When a mother or father needs help, old roles and unspoken expectations come to the surface. Many siblings who otherwise get along end up in conflict, not because anyone wants it, but because nobody has talked about it. Here is one way to do that.
Why it becomes uneven
- Geography: the one who lives closest takes the urgent tasks, and then the next ones.
- Invisible work: phone calls, applications and worry take a lot of time but are not seen.
- Old roles: the responsible one, the absent one, “Mom's favorite”. The roles from childhood come back.
- Different pictures of the situation: the one who visits every day sees something different from the one who visits once a month.
The family meeting
A family meeting sounds formal, but it is the best way to get everyone on the same page. It works fine over video.
- Invite all the siblings, and consider whether your parent should join. It is often a good idea, at least for part of the meeting.
- Start with the situation, not the tasks. The one who sees your parent most often describes what everyday life looks like right now.
- List every task, including the invisible ones.
- Share them by ability and opportunity, not only by distance.
- Agree how you keep each other informed, and when you meet again.
Four kinds of tasks
| Type | Examples | Can it be done from a distance? |
|---|---|---|
| Practical | Shopping, visits, going along to the doctor, the yard, small repairs | Partly, for example by ordering groceries for delivery |
| Administrative | Mail, applications, contact with care services and insurers, complaints | Yes, with your parent's permission |
| Money | Bills, online banking, taxes, benefits | Yes, with a power of attorney |
| Emotional | Phone calls, company, listening | Yes. A fixed weekly call means a lot |
The one who lives far away can often take the administrative tasks and free the one who lives close for the practical ones. It can also be a great relief when someone takes over the weekends a few times a year.
Talk about money early
- Who pays for what? Travel, groceries, equipment that is not covered. Agree whether costs are shared, and how.
- Your parent's own money: who helps with the finances, and how do you keep it transparent? Everyone feels safer when they can see what the money is spent on.
- If one of you cuts back at work: should the others make up for it? Is there a paid leave or caregiver scheme where you live? Read about combining work with caregiving.
- Write it down. Agreements that were only spoken are remembered differently.
Who decides what?
Your parent decides over their own life for as long as they can. That also means they can make choices you disagree with. If they can no longer decide for themselves, the person they named in a power of attorney, or a court-appointed guardian, decides within those limits. It is not the one who argues loudest. Talk about it while there is time, because a power of attorney can only be made while your parent understands what it means.
Tip: Acknowledge the one who does the most
The one who takes most of the tasks often needs most to be seen. A “thank you, I can see how much you do” costs nothing and prevents many conflicts.
When it goes wrong
- Talk about the experience, not the blame. “I'm running out of energy” works better than “you never do anything”.
- Bring in a third person. Your parent's doctor, a social worker, a faith leader or a family counselor can help a difficult conversation along.
- Keep the focus on your parent. What would they want? That can unite siblings who disagree about everything else.
If you are facing a parent who has just started to need help, also read what to do when your aging parent suddenly needs help.
How LumaCare can help
With LumaCare, all the siblings can see what needs doing, and who has done it.
- Make a shared task list where tasks can be assigned, or picked up by whoever has time.
- Keep visits, doctor's appointments and meetings in one shared calendar.
- Write down what happened, so everyone is up to date without phoning around.
This guide is general information. Caregiver organizations in most countries offer advice and support groups for families in this situation.